Prayer
by Anyu Matsuri
Summary: Kyon and Koizumi are already a couple, yet why does Koizumi feel strange about their relationship? Haruhi knows, and yet she wants Kyon to be her boyfriend? Evolution of the one-shot "Prayer" into a multi-chapter. M for yaoi.
1. Chapter 0

**Disclaimers:** I do not own TMoSH; Tanigawa Nagaru-sensei does.

**Warnings: **There is no scene in here guys, not on this chapter, I think? Anyway, I was having an awful headache as I accidentally drank rubbing alcohol or some other liquid not supposed to be drank that was really making my head spin. No, it was **not** intentional. Yes, sometimes it was, but not now. So, sorry if I don't sound like myself in here—this was just written after hearing HIZAKI's "Prayer," which showcases his talent in guitar playing. And I was just typing continuously; I was on a roll guys! I didn't expect this! So, I would now say this early on, sorry for the lack of plot in this certain fiction… And for now this will be just a one-shot, for I want to know your reaction if this is worth evolving into a multi-chapter story…

* * *

><p><strong>Prayer<strong>

Silently I wounded my arms around his slightly trembling shoulders. He in response trembled a bit, which caught me in a surprise.

He was sleeping, beside me and there was no one else at the train at that time. The world is ours. There was no Closed Spaces, or any supernatural thing that have occurred the whole day. So this time Kyon decided that we go on an overnight trip to some place where I could possibly relax. As if I can relax with my tasks just running behind me, slowly catching up.

I love Kyon; so holding him like this shouldn't be awkward. Yet why do I feel nauseated at the fact that it was only the two of us? It has been weeks since we started going out. Yes, we do go out now, on dates. He had introduced me to his family even. And that's a given; I never thought Kyon would ever fall in love with me, who was first and foremost also a man. But then, who was I to judge? I was the first one to fall in love with him; he was only the one who proposed to me first. Suzumiya-san already knew; and she's not taking it lightly. I was even stripped of the title as a Deputy Brigade Chief; not that I care so much about the title. And up to now she still doesn't know that it was because of her that Kyon had to become clingy to me much more than before, much to her own chagrin.

I was not so sure of future right now. Asahina-san might know a bit about the future, but I perfectly know that she won't ever say anything to me regarding the future of me and Kyon. Who was she to do that anyway?

Kyon felt soft against my own cloth-covered skin. It was summer, and summer uniforms are too thin to actually pass as a uniform. In the end it will only make you want to tear the uniform off the person actually wearing it. That's what usually happens whenever the heat would get to your head. Or when you would only be aroused by the person you personally love. Anyway, Kyon is mine, so I have every right to claim him whenever I want to. The same applies to him, which he abuses too often.

By the time the sky appeared starless I had to shake Kyon to wake him up. Kyon is not a light sleeper; it really takes time and effort to wake him up. But when he does wake up, I'm sure he will give me that genuine smile of his, and everything that took me to wake him up will just go away unnoticed.

**XXXXXXXX**

He always does everything for me. This is why I am not sure anymore if I really love him or, was it just a spur of the moment? Maybe I was just swept away by his breathtaking aura at that day that I proposed to him without thinking. But I was not even sure that he would say yes…

But wasn't this wrong? And what was I thinking? I introduced him to mom, dad, and my little sister. Don't get me wrong, he was the very first "partner" I ever had. Mom nearly took it as a joke, while dad threatened to throw me out of the house if he learned that I was saying the truth. Dad obviously won't understand that I fell in love with the same sex—he asks me what he has done wrong with the way he disciplined me. Was it because I lack a father most of the time at the house? Mom was always there with me. Dad was always busy working. Too bad, I think I'm not the son they wanted to have.

But today, with Itsuki, I will get answers on my true self.

Itsuki had woken me up the time we had reached our destination, which was to a nearby place where there are great hot spring inns. Not that I mind the price or the money that we will be spending; I had saved up quite a lot for all of those lunches that I had to treat SOS Brigade to. I had no obligation as such for the SOS Brigade, it's just that I was too damned to be always the one who has to spend on things like lunches and snacks as punishment for always the last one to arrive in brigade meetings. Why do they even have to arrive early anyway?

But what about this relationship? What do I expect from this? Should I expect to get something from this? Or was this just a means to pass my time?

Itsuki was, how can say it; first and foremost a _friend_, although I don't know how much I really regard him as such. But I can't say that I love him so much than a partner could become. I had not imagined myself really ending up with him. I might be at first, but now I wasn't that keen on keeping up with this relationship anymore.

I just wanted to break up with him right now.

But I know that once I do that, I'll seriously hurt him. Yes, I think he'll be deeply hurt. But if I don't end this now then I don't think Itsuki will still be able to climb back up the hole that he fell unto when he entered this relationship. And if this relationship ends smoothly, I think Haruhi would then cease her increasing tantrums.

So how could I end this thing that I had started myself? I'm too bad; I started this yet I'll be the one ending this. It was just like saying that I got tired of playing with a toy that was once my favorite. And it just happen that this certain toy is a guy named Koizumi Itsuki.

….

But now I'll be ending it, once and for all. I don't want to keep lying from him anymore. Itsuki does not deserve this sappy love from me. He needs someone else that will surely love him for what he is, give him the love he so deserves and not lie to him about love that he so much craves for.

…I think I'm getting weak on the knees.

**XXXXXXXX**

The Closed Spaces decreased dramatically. There are even no more Shinjin occurrences if ever there are Closed Spaces. And I don't know what was causing this.

Before that day,

…I was walking home from the supermarket after buying some ingredients for the food I was to cook for myself and Kyon. Kyon was dropping by at that day, which he seldom does these days as he does not like my living in a small apartment. Since this is one of the rare times that I would ever drag Kyon inside my house, I practically grew happy when I knew that it was of his own free will to go to my house that day.

I was carrying the bags in front of me. The night sky had a lot of stars, and the moon looked beautiful that time. Enchanted by the beautiful night sky, I decided to stop by the bridge and just stare at the sky for about ten minutes as I was even too early for my schedule.

But some voices caught my attention that I quickly ducked away from view. Looking at where the voices come from, I saw Suzumiya-san clinging to none other than Kyon.

The two were smiling, and they seem to be talking about something funny when suddenly Kyon bended to kiss Suzumiya-san full on the lips. It was not a simple kiss that I can ignore. Eventually I had to run back home just to calm myself from everything.

Kyon was visiting me that day.

Kyon texted me a while back.

Kyon told me he can't come.

Kyon…

….

Kyon never knew that I had taken all of these cold medicines and sang myself to sleep. Kyon never knew that I cried myself to sleep that day, knowing that everything is already over. Kyon never knew that I will never come back to SOS Brigade the day after I saw him with Suzumiya-san. I know in that instant that everything's already over. I am not dumb to actually wait for nothing to come.

But after that I had trouble sleeping, so I had to quit the Agency/Organization. Eventually my esper powers dulled. Suzumiya-san seems like she's happy. Kyon seems happy. I seem…

I don't know what Kyon's reaction was after I dropped out of North High. He stopped texting me. I stopped texting him. I stopped going to school.

I continued drinking the medicines. But no matter how many I drink, I still can't sleep. So I resort to hitting my head on the wall, until I felt dizzy and ready to sleep. I need to sleep.

As each day passes I grew irritable and easily tired. I get dizzy often too. But that was because of lack of sleep. No one knew better. So when sleep time comes I drank the medicines and then knock my head on the concrete wall…

**XXXXXXXX**

Koizumi was gone before I could even break up with him.

Haruhi is worried, yet we could not contact him.

He changed numbers. My number is still the same. And he also changed his residence. In just one night.

I don't know how fast things are going right now. Haruhi and I are in a relationship right now, even when I was still in a relationship with Koizumi. Anyway, Koizumi is past, Haruhi is then present.

Who cares about an uncaring bastard like him anyway?

**XXXXXXXX**

Winter is the season I hate most, I get cold too easily.

When I get home I'll open the stove to make the room hot, and I'll sleep.

I know I'll be able to sleep peacefully after that…

**XXXXXXXX**

After several weeks of searching, Koizumi was found almost dead. He suffocated on the gas that was left open in his unit. If not for his neighbor that had smelled the stinging smell of gas coming from his room, he would have died then.

And he was in shambles.

His head held numerous cuts, most likely from contact with concrete. The doctor himself had told us that Koizumi's skull had started to form deep cracks due to excessive force that was applied to it, probably whenever he'd bump his head on a wall. There is also an overdose on sleeping pills. Koizumi is on the brink of dying. Does he not care at all for himself? Or does he do this just to make us worry and irritate us all?

Maybe he's just irritating us all…

But why was he not waking up at all? Is this some kind of prank that he wanted to pull on us? Seriously, Haruhi had not still forgiven you, so you should wake up first and apologize to her directly! Or are you a coward to not do that?

Why can't you wake up?

….

The birds are chirping joyfully overhead. Should we be joyful too?

At this time, not even Haruhi is amused. Who would be amused when,

The scrapes from the ground is deafening. Even I want them to stop.

_You should stop._

No.

_You could have saved him._

Stop.

_You left him alone and let him go ballistic until—_

…I KNOW! So just shut up…

But when there is still another chance, can I even save him?

**End**

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><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong> This is vague, no plot, and purely monologues! I sounded so immature in here, with the point of views swinging back and forth from one persona to another. I hope you're able to get the story even though I had not given much images. I will still revise this. In fact I'll be arranging this to a multi-chapter story! Yes, another angst on ItsuKyon! I had just finished reading Mizushiro Setona-sensei's work which was "The Carp on the Chopping Block Jumps Twice" which once again made me cry. Then I got inspired, and this is the result! Yay! What do you think? (Aside from all the revisions that I will be making as this work was too stupid and crappy) Review lots, okay? Thanks!


	2. Chapter 1

**Disclaimers:**I do not own TMoSH; Tanigawa-sensei does. I've said this a lot earlier, haven't I?

**Warnings:**BL, profanities, cursing, etc.

Okay, this is actually the evolution of my short fiction "Prayer" into a multi-chapter! Yey! I don't know what got into me, but I really wanted to do this. I've also posted another TMoSH story for all of you guys. Anyway, it's "The Insanity of Suzumiya Haruhi." About this story, it's about Suzumiya Haruhi being eaten by her own power, and unconsciously she prompted the end of the world. Please check that out too!

**These shaking hands…**

Silently I wounded my arms around his slightly trembling shoulders. He in response trembled a bit, which caught me in a surprise.

He was sleeping, beside me and there was no one else at the train at that time. The world is ours. There was no Closed Spaces, or any supernatural thing that have occurred the whole day. So this time Kyon decided that we go on an overnight trip to some place where I could possibly relax. As if I can relax with my tasks just running behind me, slowly catching up.

I love Kyon; so holding him like this shouldn't be awkward. Yet why do I feel nauseated at the fact that it was only the two of us? It has been weeks since we started going out. Yes, we do go out now, on dates. He had introduced me to his family even. And that's a given; I never thought Kyon would ever fall in love with me, who was first and foremost also a man. But then, who was I to judge? I was the first one to fall in love with him; he was only the one who proposed to me first. Suzumiya-san already knew; and she's not taking it lightly. I was even stripped of the title as a Deputy Brigade Chief; not that I care so much about the title. And up to now she still doesn't know that it was because of her that Kyon had to become clingy to me much more than before, much to her own chagrin.

I was not so sure of future right now. Asahina-san might know a bit about the future, but I perfectly know that she won't ever say anything to me regarding the future of me and Kyon. Who was she to do that anyway?

Kyon felt soft against my own cloth-covered skin. It was summer, and summer uniforms are too thin to actually pass as a uniform. In the end it will only make you want to tear the uniform off the person actually wearing it. That's what usually happens whenever the heat would get to your head. Or when you would only be aroused by the person you personally love. Anyway, Kyon is mine, so I have every right to claim him whenever I want to. The same applies to him, which he abuses too often.

By the time the sky appeared starless I had to shake Kyon to wake him up. Kyon is not a light sleeper; it really takes time and effort to wake him up. But when he does wake up, I'm sure he will give me that genuine smile of his, and everything that took me to wake him up will just go away unnoticed.

I took my hand away from his shoulders and let it float above his shoulders instead as I started waking him up with my other hand.

"Kyon, wake up."

Kyon only grumbled a bit before pulling me closer to him, his head still perfectly resting on my shoulder. My once floating hand in the air above his shoulder now lay resting on his arm, hugging him close. The train is slowing to a stop, and Kyon is slowly stirring up. Carefully I straightened him to an upright sitting position, while his eyes slowly fluttered open.

"Ah, Koizumi, are we here already?"

Rubbing his eyes like how a child does, he spoke with a voice still thick with sleep. I, on the other hand stood up to take the luggage from the train compartment. We had only been in the train for five hours, and it is not a sleeper train.

"Kyon, wake up now okay? We still need to reach the inn before you go dozing to sleep once again."

With those words, Kyon only looked up at me and smiled.

**XxXxXxXxX**

He always does everything for me. This is why I am not sure anymore if I really love him or, was it just a spur of the moment? Maybe I was just swept away by his breathtaking aura at that day that I proposed to him without thinking. But I was not even sure that he would say yes…

But wasn't this wrong? And what was I thinking? I introduced him to mom, dad, and my little sister. Don't get me wrong, he was the very first "partner" I ever had. Mom nearly took it as a joke, while dad threatened to throw me out of the house if he learned that I was saying the truth. Dad obviously won't understand that I fell in love with the same sex—he asks me what he has done wrong with the way he disciplined me. Was it because I lack a father most of the time at the house? Mom was always there with me. Dad was always busy working. Too bad, I think I'm not the son they wanted to have.

But today, with Itsuki, I will get answers on my true self.

Itsuki had woken me up the time we had reached our destination, which was to a nearby place where there are great hot spring inns. Not that I mind the price or the money that we will be spending; I had saved up quite a lot for all of those lunches that I had to treat SOS Brigade to. I had no obligation as such for the SOS Brigade, it's just that I was too damned to be always the one who has to spend on things like lunches and snacks as punishment for always the last one to arrive in brigade meetings. Why do they even have to arrive early anyway?

But what about this relationship? What do I expect from this? Should I expect to get something from this? Or was this just a means to pass my time?

Itsuki was, how can say it; first and foremost a _friend_, although I don't know how much I really regard him as such. But I can't say that I love him so much than a partner could become. I had not imagined myself really ending up with him. I might be at first, but now I wasn't that keen on keeping up with this relationship anymore.

I just wanted to break up with him right now.

But I know that once I do that, I'll seriously hurt him. Yes, I think he'll be deeply hurt. But if I don't end this now then I don't think Itsuki will still be able to climb back up the hole that he fell unto when he entered this relationship. And if this relationship ends smoothly, I think Haruhi would then cease her increasing tantrums.

So how could I end this thing that I had started myself? I'm too bad; I started this yet I'll be the one ending this. It was just like saying that I got tired of playing with a toy that was once my favorite. And it just happen that this certain toy is a guy named Koizumi Itsuki…

At last we arrived after about thirty minutes in a cab. We booked on a not-so commercialized inn wherein Itsuki knew who the owner was. Lucky for us, we might even get a discount!

Upon arriving at the room we immediately changed for the bath. Trying the hot springs was the very first thing one must do upon arriving at a hot spring resort. We have our very own outdoor hot spring wherein we first waded in.

One word for the hot spring: great.

"Itsuki, come 'ere." I called out on Itsuki, who was suddenly busy on the other side of the pool.

Itsuki complied eventually after a few more persuasions. This is Itsuki's real colors: he was childish in a sense that he would eventually be more prone to fits of jealousy than I do.

As soon as I had Itsuki in an arm's reach, I grabbed him and kissed him, our first kiss for the day. The both of us are not that virgin on these things anymore; most of which had been lost with both of us consciously wanting to lose it. Trailing my hand down Itsuki's trembling body, I found the hole that I was looking for.

Slowly pushing a finger inside the hole, it immediately twitched and grew tighter. Itsuki then pushed away from me and stood up, which caused my finger to forcefully get pulled away from the twitching hole. That earned Itsuki a slight pained look that I eventually stammered an apology for being too impatient.

"I don't want to do it here. If you wanted to do it, then we could just go inside and have sex…"

Hearing it from Itsuki's mouth I immediately got up from my position and literally dragged him off to the room, where you probably all know what happened.

The next day we had to go immediately back to our houses, as we have classes that day, which we eventually didn't attend.

Of course both of us didn't attend the SOS Brigade meeting that day either. But Haruhi continued mailing me about something. Well, something personal, I'd say.

Haruhi had been pestering me for a long time already to go out with her. Not that I mind; well, she was beautiful and smart, just a bit eccentric. But I am still on a relationship with Koizumi, so how can I squeeze Haruhi unto the picture?

What if I talk to Haruhi about this matter? I know she would agree on being my surreptitious lover while I'm with Koizumi. Who knows? Koizumi might grow tired of me. I'm sure that day would come. I wasn't serious in the first place! And I know Koizumi can feel that. So all I've got to do is create a bigger rift between us and viola! We will break up and I will end up with Haruhi.

Whatever! I'm talking to Haruhi tomorrow, period.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

**Author****'****s****Notes:**As you can all notice, this chapter has a copied beginning. Well, it really is like that. (I'm sorry!) The PoVs swing from Kyon to Koizumi in here just like what I have in my other ItsuKyon stories. Damn, my mom almost saw this fiction with all the gay stuff! Mom and Dad don't know; whatever…

I'll be deleting my one-shot "Prayer" story and replace it with this first chapter. I hope it didn't matter. Or should I just put this under another title?

Yawn~ I'm so sleepy! I've got no sleep; and today is my birhday! Bummer, I'm getting old again. My birthday wish? Lots of yaoi to come! I loooove yaoi.

Kyon here is a stupid fart. He's having Haruhi as his paramour while still in a relationship with Koizumi! God, I'm getting worked up on this. But I'm sleepy! I'm sorry it just ended in Kyon's decision to have Haruhi as a paramour. The next chapter would show more, so wait for it!

Read and review guys~! Thanks!


	3. Chapter 2

Second chapter! To tell the truth, I have written the first, third, and fourth chapter ahead of this chapter. But I had stopped writing to do my contest pieces. I had posted some on my deviant art account (mostly the poems). And now I finished this chapter! So I posted the three chapters in just one day. I hope it makes everyone happy. Hiatus again? I think so. I'm getting no inspiration these past weeks. Block B! Damn, they sound like SMAP. The chorus only of their song "Tell Them". And it's really fast and nice to listen to.

**Disclaimers:**I do not own TMoSH or any of its characters. Tanigawa-sensei does.

**Warnings:**BL, profanities, cursing, etc.

**Stop-gap**

The Closed Spaces decreased dramatically. There are even no more Shinjin occurrences if ever there are Closed Spaces. And I don't know what was causing this.

Kyon and I ceased going to the brigade meetings. What was the point if Suzumiya-san is angry at the both of us? She does not even acknowledge my presence whenever I pass by her. Kyon told me Suzumiya-san does the same to him. But why do I feel that there is something wrong with Kyon's words?

I looked at Kyon to find the answers myself, yet his void look just makes me think twice.

So I did not peruse the subject anymore.

And then came our 11th anniversary (month). It was such a happy day for me as I knew that we had already come that far, despite the obstacles that hindered us up to this day. Kyon told me he was also happy for this month; just next month and we will be already a year. Ah, how time flies by so fast.

But oh, how time flies cruelly so fast. We did not even reach the 11th month. We broke up before that 11th month.

Before that day,

…I was walking home from the supermarket after buying some ingredients for the food I was to cook for myself and Kyon. Kyon was dropping by at that day, which he seldom does these days as he does not like my living in a small apartment. Since this is one of the rare times that I would ever drag Kyon inside my house, I practically grew happy when I knew that it was of his own free will to go to my house that day.

Well, it was because of the anniversary tomorrow.

I was carrying the shopping bags in front of me. The night sky had a lot of stars, and the moon looked beautiful that time. Enchanted by the beautiful night sky, I decided to stop by the bridge and just stare at the sky for about ten minutes as I was even too early for my schedule. Kyon was supposed to drop by at ten. It was just seven, so I had three hours of free time. Kyon always drops by late, so I assume that he will drop by late today too.

I was enjoying the tranquil sense under a blanket of stars for a while. I was lying on an obvious patch of grass. But some familiar voices caught my attention that I quickly ducked away from view. Looking at where the voices come from, I saw Suzumiya-san clinging to none other than Kyon.

The two were smiling, and they seem to be talking about something funny when suddenly Kyon bended to kiss Suzumiya-san full on the lips. It was not a simple kiss that I can ignore. Eventually I had to run back home just to calm myself from everything.

_Kyon was visiting me that day._

Immediately I readied the ingredients and began to cook furiously, attempting to wipe the image from my mind. The water drops continuously on the chrysanthemum as I tear them for the hotpot.

_Kyon texted me a while back._

I had prepared everything already; the hotpot, kotatsu, and even the niku jaga was on top of the table. But I wasn't by the table; I was hunched on the corner of the room, nursing a wound too deep for anyone to actually see physically.

_Kyon told me he can't come._

Gripping the phone tightly in my hands, I tried all my best not to throw it by urge. But the anger took out the best in me; the phone hit the wall mercilessly and was cut into two before I could even try to save it by catching it. Now I had no other way to contact Kyon, except for his landline. And this is for the best; no communication will not destroy me. I just wanted to live normally, yet—

_Kyon…_

….

I left, just before the day breaks. I left everything I had except for the clothes I would need on the journey. It's just clothes; nothing else.

It was already afternoon when I reached—

The sleeper train made my back sore and my head really groggy. It was the first time that I got dizzy riding a train. It was not normal; I knew by then that something inside me already changed.

In just a day I managed to get a job at a café and an unit at a not-too-shabby an apartment which has reasonable prices.

The next day I was introduced to everyone in the apartment. Everyone welcomed me like family. I felt so happy. In work everyone also seemed to like me. The place started to feel good to me.

But it was not all good. Not everyone liked me. I know; one has hated me for as long as he can remember, and this hatred of this had ended up destroying.

It was me; I hate myself.

On my first night I cannot sleep at first. Kyon never knew that I had taken all of these cold medicines and sang myself to sleep. Kyon never knew that I cried myself to sleep that day, knowing that everything is already over. Kyon never knew that I will never come back to SOS Brigade the day after I saw him with Suzumiya-san. I know in that instant that everything's already over. I am not dumb to actually wait for nothing to come.

But only after a week I noticed that I had trouble sleeping, so I had to quit the Agency/Organization. Eventually my esper powers dulled. Suzumiya-san seems like she's happy. Kyon seems happy. I seem—

Sadly I don't know what Kyon's reaction was after I dropped out of North High. He stopped texting me. I stopped texting him. I stopped going to school.

I continued drinking the medicines. But no matter how many I drink, I still can't sleep. So I resort to hitting my head on the wall, until I felt dizzy and ready to sleep. I need to sleep.

As each day passes I grew irritable and easily tired. I get dizzy often too. But that was because of lack of sleep. No one knew better. So when sleep time comes I drank the medicines and then knock my head on the concrete wall…

**XxXxXxXxX**

Koizumi was gone before I could even break up with him. I was not bothered; I had Haruhi already, and it was his own choice to break up with me. I will not be a sissy and chase after him to some place I don't know. No one really knows where he ended up.

Haruhi is worried, yet we could not contact him. Haruhi was the only one who tried vainly to search for Koizumi. But she didn't succeed; Koizumi really had hidden himself so well that even a powerful being like Haruhi couldn't locate him.

And there was no other way to contact him as he left all his things in his old apartment. Even his landlord had grown surprised by Koizumi's sudden leave without even telling him about it.

And do not even think of cellphone numbers. He changed numbers, as my call cannot come through his own. My number is still the same. And he also changed his residence, as I had said earlier, in just one night.

I don't know how fast things are going right now. Haruhi and I are in a relationship right now, even when I was still in a relationship with Koizumi. Anyway, Koizumi is past, Haruhi is then present.

Who cares about an uncaring bastard like him anyway?

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

**Author****'****s****Notes:**I almost choked at tea. Damn. And I feel sick and I had a sore throat already for almost a week because of my stupid allergy to the smell of nicotine and those that smell as strong as it.

Back to the story: Please don't hate Kyon! He has his own reasons why he was being awful to Koizumi. But still, I hated the Kyon in this story. He seems like a bitch. Why did he go confess to Koizumi when he wasn't sure of his own feelings? And why doesn't he break it off with Koizumi before he goes and had a secret relationship with Haruhi?

…And I was the one who wrote this story. Hahaa~ dangerously bipolar.

What do you think? For the third and fourth chapter, I've added a new situation. I hope you all like it, as I really tried to do my best in those chapters. I'm doing a Christmas day story next chapter, although it was the exact opposite of the word 'Happy'. I hope you'd all like it just like my other ItsuKyon stories!

Continue to read and review!


	4. Chapter 3

**Disclaimers:**I do not own TMoSH; Tanigawa-sensei does. I've said this a lot earlier, haven't I?

**Warnings:**BL, profanities, cursing…what else? Ah! Self-mutilation and etc.

Koizumi, waah! I'm making him suffer once more. Next time I'll make it Kyon, with Koizumi coming to his aid. Ah, so romantic! Oh, there's no BL in here; actually there were "normal" het scenes.

**This simple wish, this fearful wish…**

The snow kept falling down from the dark sky here in—

It was the day before Christmas; I went out to buy myself a fruit wine and cake. I will still celebrate Christmas after all these times. While walking the way home I was fascinated by the inviting gift stores on both sides of the street that were still open for the last-minute shoppers this day. After a few more steps I stopped in front of a gorgeous gift shop that has lights blinking on the glass window. Taking a quick look at my remaining money left, I saw that I still have enough money to buy gifts for my _friends_. Only taking ten minutes to pick out four presents, I paid for them and went straight home.

I've lived alone ever since that fateful day. It has been half a year already. My new home is an apartment unit, where the other tenants are small families and old couples, with some single renters like me. The buildings are close to each other, that if you look outside your window you'll be able to see inside another tenant's unit. That's how close each building was. Slowly walking the cold, winding path, I took in all of the beautiful blinking lights at the houses, with all the families eating their cakes and fried chickens beside a Christmas tree. They all seemed so happy whenever it's Christmas. No, they are happy not just because it's Christmas. Also, I know that my _friends_are happy. I am—

All alone I walked the snaky path to the apartment. It was chilly, and the snow had started falling once again as I walk. Whenever the wind blows it carries snow with it. So whenever it does, I had to hug my jacket closer to my body.

Going further north I eventually reached the apartment, with my body constantly shaking from the cold. As I walk the creaky stairs up I fumbled for my keys inside my jacket's pocket. Eventually I got hold of the set of keys. But before I can even put the key on the knob the old lady next door went out carrying a package. When she saw me, she smiled and gave me the package. _Talk__about__great__timing_. I can do nothing but to accept. Saying goodnight, she went back to her unit. Quickly I inserted the key into the hole, and turned the knob. Upon opening the door I was greeted by—

Darkness enveloped my thoughts about the brigade days. I was certainly happy at those times, but it has long passed since then. Back then I was still the all-smiling esper who always complied with every wish of Suzumiya Haruhi. I always obeyed, and never complained. I was the perfect vice-brigade chief. And I never wished for anything _yet_; I had a part time job (as an esper), a good school standing (not to mention popular on the school body, especially on the girls), not to mention that I am the only one with a clean reputation on the brigade (I came to North High after Suzumiya-san forced Asahina-san in a bunny suit and gave fliers by the school gate in that outfit, and also after Suzumiya-san harassed and blackmailed the Computer Club president into giving their newest computer to the brigade), and my everyday needs are given to me as frequently as I need them. But there was only one thing I desired, and eventually I got it, although it was short-lived. All was because of—

Suzumiya-san is considered by the Agency/Organization as a god, due to her unnatural powers and the ability to create Closed Spaces and Shinjins. She is not just an ordinary _human_ god, but an all-powerful and unconsciously a god. Together with us in the brigade are the time traveler Asahina-san, the alien Nagato-san, and lastly, the only human Kyon. And Kyon was once my—

Lover; I had a lover back in my brigade days. And I had lost that lover to Suzumiya-san.

Rummaging my kitchen cabinet for almost twenty minutes until I got hold of my one and only kitchen knife, I was practically sweating as I sat down in front of the kotatsu.

Looking at my watch I saw that it was only a few minutes before Christmas. Slowly waiting for Christmas to come, I counted the ticking of the clock and paced it along my breathing.

_Just ten more seconds to go._

Instinctively I bated my breath, as if waiting for end to come.

_Five seconds…_

I looked more closely at the watch's fingers

_Four seconds…_

As

_Three._

Time

_Two._

Ticked

_One._

Away.

Smiling, I turned to the framed photo by the cabinet on the wall.

"Happy Christmas to you all. And also, to me…"

Warm, yet sad, tears flowed from eyes. Attentively I tried to wipe it away with my hands, yet it seemed that my tears wouldn't be stopped.

"C-Crap, it won't stop?"

My trembling hands rested once again on the knife that was now pushed deep unto the cake in front of me. The strawberry shortcake looked more or less destroyed, yet still uneaten. The fruit cake the elderly couple had given me earlier is left atop the kitchen counter. Everyone else, aside from me, is happy.

Only I am left sad and alone.

Yet there is someone I could call to ease this loneliness. _Even__for__just__a__short__while,__even__just__his__voice,__I__would__want__to__talk__to__him__again._

Without thinking, I was already by the phone, fumbling for the numbers quickly like a robot. Putting the receiver at my ear, I waited for the call to be answered. _One__ring.__Two__rings.__Three__rings._

Click.

"Hello?"

Breath bated, I waited for his voice to come. Would he recognize my voice? What would I do if he does? Should I answer him if he asks where I am?

…But it was not him that answered.

"Hello? This is Kyon's phone, but he's on the bath right now. Suzumiya Haruhi speaking. Who is this?"

"Ko-Koizumi…"

Ah crap. It slipped my tongue. I was supposed to remain in anonymity but…

I should not have called Kyon in the first place.

"Koizumi-kun?"

This is wrong. Kyon wasn't my lover now; he's Suzumiya-san's property. And here I am, being a thorn on their relationship. I'm such a relationship-wrecker. But I didn't mean to do it. I still love Kyon. There's no way I could not phone him on such an important day. But why does Suzumiya-san the one to answer? Kyon should have his phone with him. What are they doing? I trust that such a quiet place could never be the living room, not with a sister that Kyon has.

…Should I trust my thoughts? That just now, before I called Kyon, they're having sex?

Images of the two wrapped around each other made me tremble in jealousy and anger. Kyon should never do it with anybody else aside from me. I am the only one he can penetrate! But then, I wasn't his lover anymore, since the day I disappeared on them. Suzumiya-san was his girlfriend right now. They're a couple straight out of a love story. I am nothing but a fool; I can only wait in earnest while he go and do Suzumiya-san. I wasn't even his paramour. I was simply his **ex-lover.**

And an ex-lover I will stay.

"Suzumiya-san? How are you?"

_I want to die now, if you don't mind hearing my death throes._

"Koizumi-kun! Where are you? Why have you disappeared? Don't you know how worried we have been?"

Tears threatened to fall from my eyes again. I do not want to think that Kyon and Suzumiya-san had engaged in a premarital sex already, and even though I want the darn memory erased from my mind, I cannot simply destroy the images of them together. Just like on that night, hugging each other tightly, kiss deepening with every second and with every breath.

I cannot take it anymore.

"Yes, yes, I 'm sorry for disappearing like that. I have got you worried, right? I'm sorry. Wait, I'll punish myself for that."

Without waiting for a reaction, I smashed my head on the concrete wall near the phone for many times until I felt blood ooze down my face and my eyes get blurry.

"I-I'm back Suzumiya-san. Oh, I have not yet punished myself for disappearing, right? Wait, I'll get my knife…"

The knife is full of icing. But I need it, so I licked it clean before I slashed my wrists, making sure Suzumiya-san was hearing every slice I did. Suzumiya-san wasn't talking, so I guess she had already fallen asleep. After a while, I stopped my wrist-slashing and turned back to the phone.

"Suzumiya-san, are you asleep already? I'll cut the call if you are—"

"Haha, Koizumi-kun; very funny indeed." Her voice was coated in pure sarcasm, like she does not really believe that I can do such a thing to myself. "Don't joke around in the middle of the night. Your neighbors would get angry too if you suddenly bang something on your walls."

"That _something_ is my head, Suzumiya-san. I think they wouldn't mind though."

"Koizumi-kun, it's better to stop joking around. You wouldn't hurt yourself, right? The Koizumi-kun I know doesn't hurt himself."

"But Suzumiya-san, _that_ Koizumi-kun is already dead. He died the day he saw Suzumiya-san and Kyon kiss by the bridge near his old home. He drowned himself on the water, and disappeared forever."

"…Y-You saw?"

"Well, yes."

"A-Ah, I'm so-sorry…"

"Don't be, Suzumiya-san, I'm just interrupting. I've ruined everything by telling you this. I hope you have not been disturbed much. I don't plan on disturbing you. If I do, then please accept my punishment."

I started hitting myself with everything that came into reach; books, pans, cups, _everything_. The things made of glass shattered unto my skin, some left sticking on my skin and some fell onto the wooded floor with a crash. I was left groaning and crying, the tears left with no choice but to fall from my tired eyes.

"Suzumiya-san, you can cut the call if you want. Or, I could cut the call if I want. But, will you let me? My decisions had all been up to you until now. Why not order me some more? Oh, not about this death of mine. You're too late for that."

Suzumiya-san still hasn't cut the call as I continue hearing her shouting words that I chose not to distinguish at that time. Then I heard loud steps outside my unit, before all my neighbors were knocking on my door.

"Izumi-kun? What are you doing? It's the middle of the night! Open the door!"

Teary-eyed I turned to the direction of my door, my hopes falling at the same time. The neighbors had been so nice to me, yet I am disturbing them too. Then from the window in front of mine a neighbor looked to see what was happening to me. As I turned and smiled at her with all the blood in my face and hands, she screamed and started to call for help. But before she could take another look at me I closed my window.

"…Now no one can disturb me."

Then I heard a scream over the phone. I almost forgot; Suzumiya-san was still on the other line.

"What is it Suzumiya-san? I'm quite busy. Please don't shout just whenever you wanted to."

"Koizumi-kun? What happened! Stop! You don't need to punish yourself! You don't need to hurt yourself!"

_That__was__because__I__am__already__hurt.__I__was__the__only__one__who__got__emotionally__scarred,__right?_ I smiled over the phone as I silently snickered.

"Izumi-kun? What happened? Open the door! Sumida-san had told us what she just saw. If you don't want us to force open your door, then open it right now!"

"Ah, sorry, I don't have any intention of opening my door. Just leave me like this; these are merely scratches. They're not fatal."

"What are you saying? You looked really hurt!" Sumida-san's voice shouted from the other side of the door.

_Yes,__and__yet__no__one__seemed__to__take__notice__of__my__pain.__All__alone__I__walk__the__path__of__pain,__with__no__other__friend__beside__myself._But I—

I never opened the door; instead I continued slashing my wrists with the kitchen knife I was using earlier for the fruit cake while shouting continuous apologies over the phone and to the people outside my door.

"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to disturb you. I don't want to disturb anybody so…"

I continued slashing my wrists like crazy, and at times I write words like "Idiot" and "Get a grip" on my wrists. It was beautiful; the blood oozed out freely, while my still trembling hand gripped the knife handle and thrust it deeper unto my skin, until I felt it slightly hit my bone. Suzumiya-san is shouting over the phone. The people outside are shouting outside the locked door. It makes my head throb and spin wildly like a drug.

"I'm punishing myself now, so please don't hate me, for disturbing all of you…"

The sounds seemed to move far away now; the images seemed to sway in front of me. The call is still connected, and if I don't disconnect it now, my location can be traced. Slowly I walked with small, staggering steps towards the telephone plug, before I heard a voice that made my hairs stand on the end and stop my movements.

"…Koizumi! Where are you!"

Kyon? _Don__'__t__you__know__how__much__I__miss__hearing__you__getting__worried__at__me?_But I didn't answer his question. I did not even acknowledge his presence over the phone. It's just Suzumiya-san, and no one else.

The tears fell from my surprised eyes.

"I want to talk to Suzumiya-san! She's the one I'm talking to! There had been no guy's voice just now! There's none!"

Denial shot through my head with a searing touch. _Yes,__the__one__you__'__re__talking__with__over__the__phone__is__only__Suzumiya-san.__No__one__else._

Scratching myself and pulling hardly at my hair I continued denying that it was Kyon. Accepting his existence would only make it hurt a lot more. And that pain is not for me; not for a faggot like me who vainly tries to twist someone into becoming like them. I hate it. I wasn't worth anything, at all.

_Don't become hopeful that he will come back to you after what you did to yourself._

I know; and just knowing it is enough to end this misery. I was not supposed to live knowing that I hurt others than just myself.

"Koizumi-kun? Are you okay? Still alive?"

Suzumiya-san seemed to have gotten the phone back to her, as I heard her worried voice once again over the phone. I smiled, knowing I'm getting her worried. Sarcastically I shouted, "It hurts, Suzumiya-san. It hurts, so much. I'm sorry."

"You're still—! No, stop! Koizumi-kun, where are you? Tell us! We'll help you!"

Help me? Maybe I'll become a living dead.

"N-No…"

I was supposed to answer without buckling. But without warning, my word was stopped midway by the searing pain I started to feel from my wrists.

As I heard the keys fumble outside my room, I took the knife and sliced the telephone cord. Just in time, before I passed out.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

**Author****'****s****Notes:** Yawn~ I'm so sleepy! I reread all my yaoi manga and I was swept away again and had not finished all my other fan fictions. I hope you forgive me for that. I was looking for inspiration on these manga, and as of now all that I've got is from "Natsu Jikan"(I only have a Japanese copy so I was so slow reading it), "Ushirosugata no Natsu no Neko", "Tadayoedo Shizumazu, Saredo Naki no Sezu", "Tameiki no Ondo"(another pure Japanese copy), "Boku wa Kimi no Tori ni Naritai", "The Carp on the Chopping Block" and "The Cornered Mouse". The last two are not complete names of the titles! The title is just so loooong that typing it is such a chore. I'm not sure about the Japanese titles because I might have typed it wrong. But these are just about 5% of my yaoi manga, so their titles get mixed up in my head.

…I'm rambling again; I know. So for that, I'm sorry.

There's something wrong with my country. It's so hard to connect to fanfiction! What's the big deal? Darn.

Anyway, read and review! Thanks.


	5. Chapter 4

I grew fat over the break. Damn.

**Disclaimers:**I do not own TMoSH, or any of its characters. Tanigawa-sensei does.

**Warnings:**Everything. Gaah, I'm tired.

This is not [insert TMoSH character's name here]'s PoV, but just a normal narrator. It was originally supposed to be a Kyon PoV, but in the middle I changed my mind.

**A tout à l'heure**

Haruhi held the phone in front of her angrily. It seems like Koizumi had contacted Kyon's home number but had cut the call without telling them his location. Haruhi continued fumbling with the redial key, but the call wouldn't go through.

"Damn! Just one more time! Why won't the damn call connect?"

All of a sudden, she threw the phone away. Heatedly she went to the bed, and sobbed. Kyon continued drying my hair with the towel from earlier, and sat next to Haruhi.

"Maybe there was something wrong with the phone. Why don't you give up for now and—"

"I won't give up! Koizumi-kun's life is on the line in here! And how can you be so apathetic to him? He was once your partner, right? So why are you like this to him? Are you that merciless?"

She looked at Kyon defiantly while defending her case. Koizumi-kun's life weighs for her as much as Kyon's life was. She treats all of her friends like this. She does.

"He was the one who does not want me in the first place anyway. You've heard his words, right? He does not want to hear anything from me. Shouldn't I just let him go?"

"But you're the one who started everything!"

"Does that mean that you also do not want this relationship? Are we breaking up?"

That has gotten Haruhi to stop and think about her past actions, up to now. She knows that she loves Kyon, and she also knew about Koizumi's case. But she wanted this for herself. What she could not work out was her guilt.

"N-No, it's not that Kyon. But Koizumi is still a friend. And we must help him. I know we've done him something really wrong that made him like that. It's not like I want him to end up that way, but I want you more than anyone Kyon. But, can't we just help him once?"

"Why did he even call in the first place? We're not lovers anymore, I swear."

"Maybe it is because it's Christmas? Koizumi-kun might've just wanted to hear you once again. It's my fault; I spoke without thinking. I shouldn't have just answered his call. I didn't know that the effect would be bad. I didn't know…"

Kyon then pulled Haruhi towards him, his still damp body pressing to her lithe figure, which was already trembling and on the brink of tears. Gingerly her hands went up to Kyon's own and then held it tight, while snuggling deep into Kyon once more.

"I know that this is wrong, yet for me this is the only right thing in this world. We love each other Kyon, and I bet Koizumi-kun understood it now. But why do I feel guilty? It's like I was the cause of his situation now."

"No, you did not do anything wrong. Koizumi was simply crazy over his love for me that it ended up destroying him. It was his choice to become distressed and lonely; we just did what we needed to do."

Kyon then held Haruhi's chin and tilted it up, while he captured her lips in a passionate kiss. It was only after a while that Kyon pulled away.

"You know that I love you. And no matter how thinks would worsen, or if you get jealous, I'll repeat these words to you: I love you, and that will never change. I love you, Suzumiya Haruhi, and not Koizumi Itsuki."

"…Really?"

Haruhi looked at Kyon, and was met with Kyon approving nod. Securely she placed her head on his bare chest, heaving and full of life. Then she remembered Koizumi; his cries, his apologies, and all the hurt and hate that seemed to pour out of him towards Haruhi's ears.

_If Koizumi is really hurt, then I won't be able to forgive myself. I'll even give Kyon back if it needs to be._

Haruhi's mind became filled with those thoughts. And even with Kyon's humming and breathing couldn't make Haruhi's jittery feeling go away…

**XxXxXxXxX**

"Ah, Izumi-kun is still not awake, but the doctor said that it's okay to visit him already."

The floor was silent except for the sound of footsteps against the tiled floor. The nurses went past the two people facing each other outside a private room. It was a petite girl and a middle-aged man. The two seemed to be under a serious conversation.

"I understand. I just went here to see if he's still alive."

The petite girl's answer was monotonous, yet strangely alive. The middle-aged man looked at her, hoping to catch a glimpse of her true nature. Unfortunately, he could not do so.

"Anyway, you said you came from—"

"Yes, I do. Our parents had divorced this year. Koi-nii does not want our parents to file a divorce. So when the divorce was finally formal, he escaped from home. It was just last month that I've found where he was."

The landlord looked at the small girl curiously. He did not know that Izumi-kun had a younger sister, nor did he ever mention a younger sibling in his family. All Izumi-kun had told him about was his parents and pets. No younger sister.

So, who was this girl?

He looked at her more closely now, looking for some resemblance. But her mannerisms, physical appearance, the way she stands or the way she talks does not even come close to resembling Izumi-kun. But he could not sniff out a fraud; it's as if this little girl had been telling lies with her unconsciously doing it! She was drowning in her own lies, it seems.

"If you do not believe that I was Izumi Koi's younger sister then I have nothing against you. I respect you for your concern over Izumi Koi. But respect my position too; I am his younger sister. And at this point in his life, what he needs is family."

The pale-haired girl looked defiantly with pale violet eyes to the landlord's own; her blank stare gave the landlord the creeps. It was the same as Izumi-kun's eyes, though his eyes appear much softer and sadder.

"A-Ah, if you say so then I suppose I cannot argue anymore, can I?"

The middle-aged man held his hands up as if in surrender, with the small girl still looking blankly at him, as if she does not understand his expression.

"…I understand."

The landlord let his hands drop into his sides as he looked once again to the small girl, where he was met with only a cold glare.

"Huh?"

The small girl looked at him blankly, and as she spoke to him for the last time, she used a very monotonous voice.

"Koi-nii looks like a strong person, but undergoing all through those challenges he had been pressured. He does not mean to do any harm; he merely wishes for other's people's happiness first before his own. Thank you for taking good care of my brother until now. I'll be paying for his hospital bill. Then, good day."

The door was then opened and closed, leaving the landlord standing all alone outside the private room. It was still silent, with the occasional sound of footsteps echoing from some part of the hallway.

The landlord then walked away dejectedly, fearing for anything that might happen if the young girl earlier happened to not be really Izumi-kun's younger sister.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

**Author****'****s****Notes:** Chapter four, finished! Yaaa, I was so tired. I hate this month because it's stressful (many people died). Oh, sorry for the sudden French title. It translates to "See you in a little while." I was having my French mania again, forgive me. Actually, the chapters 2, 3, and this one, which is 4, is all posted in just one day. I had finished ahead of time. And due to stress, I'm sensing an impending hiatus. I might put all my stories into hiatus, if this continues.

This is an add-on chapter together with chapter three! I really had not intended for these chapters to come up. But ever since the first chapter, I had only been copying down the story from the preview, right? So here! I hope this will add the spice in the story. I had also made Nagato act as Koizumi's sister for Koizumi to still have a connection to SOS Brigade. I'm excited about next chapter! Because Koizumi is… Kyon is…

No spoilers guys, sorry. I don't want to mess anything up. Christmas is near! I'm gonna go buy chocolates for my friends; and for… _her_. Damn! I'm acting too cheesy over a girl again… Damn… Don't tell me…!

Oh don't mind me; I'm merely typing. Anyway, review lots. Adios! Hasta pronto.


	6. Chapter 5

I wanted to finish all my stories in one go, but my schedule does not require me much time. 24 hours a day is not enough! Give me additional 10 hours! Damn, I want to live in Venus. The days are longer.

**Disclaimers:** I do not own TMoSH or any of its characters. Tanigawa-sensei does.

**Warnings:**Self-mutilation, suicide, and what-else.

**Joyeuse Saint-Valentin; Adios mi Amor**

"Hnn… Where am I?"

Groggily I tried to sit up in presumably a bed, my hands rubbing my eyes. Looking to my right I saw someone standing beside the bed, obviously staring at me this whole time. Restraining myself to look freaked out; I waited for my eyes to get clearer. And when it did, I grew more shocked to see the person standing beside my bed.

As she saw me move, she shifted in her seat, and stood up slowly. I eyed her at first before she walked towards the water dispenser, eventually bringing me water inside a styro cup. As soon as she did, she sat down and opened a big book that was beside her seat moments ago.

"…Why are you here? Nagato-san?"

Nagato-san shifted on her seat, her blank stare now focused on my eyes. A big, hardbound book was on top of her lap.

"I'm here to check up on you."

Due to that answer, my face lighted up. And without me knowing, I was already smiling. Nagato-san's quite puzzled face was turned to me, as if asking why a smile graced my features. As though she had read my mind, she turned away, and said,

"It is not because of Kyon-kun that I am here. I'm here because I want to."

At hearing that it wasn't because of Kyon—just knowing that Kyon does not care—my enthusiasm dropped a bit. The water drops on the IV cord towards my veins can be heard inside this sound-deprived room, making me tremble in fright. It seems like I was alone myself. It was only after a few seconds more that I answered back to her words earlier.

"That's so cute; you're actually concerned about my health?"

Hearing me finish speaking she turned her head to me like how mechanical dolls do. As soon as her eyes met mine, she spoke of words a lot more depressing than all.

"Suzumiya Haruhi thinks you've died. She was devastated that she could not find you after your pre-suicidal phone call last Christmas. "

It seems like Suzumiya-san was the only one who thinks of my health. Should I be happy? Or is this pity?

One thing: I don't need her pity.

I turned then to Nagato-san to ask something so blatantly obvious: "…How did you know?"

"….."

She just focused her eyes on the book she was reading, flipping on the pages as soon as five seconds was up. Growing tired of waiting, I turned back to the wall in front of me, wherein all that I can see is a vast expanse of whiteness. I feel like I'm already dead in this place. The water from earlier is left untouched, being held by both my hands that were resting on my blanket-covered legs. I sighed and wished for the ground to swallow me up rather than to leave me alone inside this silent room together with Nagato-san. I guess she hated me. Without me, it would require her more work. I guess another person had been added to the "I hate Koizumi Itsuki!" club.

I sighed again, as no answer came out from her lips. Drinking the insipid liquid as I breath was not an easy task to do. I wanted to choke by doing so, but the gag did not come. Instead, it left me sputtering and disturbed before I answered her silence,

"…Ah, I guess you wouldn't bother answering."

…**..**

After a month I've gotten out of the hospital. The doctors are amazed at how fast I recover. I cannot say anything else than to tell them that it might be because of my metabolism. I'm still young; I can blame anything on metabolism.

Nagato-san had stopped coming after a week of my hospitalization. And I do not need to be surprised after knowing that all my hospital bills are paid up. Of course, these are all Nagato-san's doing.

The year had already changed, and I've got less time to prepare for Valentines Day. Damn! I've got to give him chocolates! Well, I'll give the girls too, but just the obligatory ones.

Whether he eats it or not is not of my concern. All I know is that he will receive it, and he will take it. After that is not of my concern. I just want him to take the chocolate.

So I bought the chocolates pre-made and cooked them myself, and I actually had them delivered to him personally _through_ Nagato-san.

I told Nagato-san to tell him that it was not from me, but from another admirer.

…Ah, damn, it's still winter, and I'm walking on the streets after work. Yes, I still have work, for Nagato-san had talked to my manager about my situation. It seems like she had posed as my younger sister. And she obviously made up stories to supplement the explanations she would be saying. Luckily, no one suspected a bit.

I snuggle my jacket closely, craving for the warmth that was never mine. Well, it was mine before Suzumiya-san replaced me.

Winter is the season I hate most; I get cold too easily. That is why ever since I was discharged from the hospital, I curled up in my kotatsu every single day. But the kotatsu wasn't of any help at all; I still feel cold. My wounds are still fresh, and whenever I'd accidentally knock it over something, it would throb badly. But then it would start to get warm, so I then begun doing it for the warmth it gives me. There's no pain anymore; there was only warmth.

But today's much worse than before. It was really cold. I already tried everything; I even sliced myself again! But the warmth did not come. Instead, the cold started to bury itself into the bowels of my skin. So today, I will try a method I've known ages ago, although I think it is quite dangerous. But it's for my sake! It will be dying because of cold or die while trying!

…So, when I get home I'll open the stove to make the room hot, and I'll sleep. I know I'll be able to sleep peacefully after that…

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

**Author****'****s****Notes:**I'm on a hiatus guys, so sorry for the late updates.

I know; it was Koizumi that got physically, mentally, and emotionally hurt once again. Don't worry; next time I'll make it Kyon, although I prefer a Kyon that's mentally and emotionally unstable.

Don't you see how I've improved saying less on my A/N? I was kind of restraining myself actually; I don't want to blurt out anything unnecessary.

In the next it will be a full Kyon POV, I think? The one after that will be a new add-on. I hope I finish this in three more chapters. Seriously, this is getting long. Read and review! Questions are accepted. Ask me anything about this fiction, I won't mind.

Joyeuse Saint-Valentin means _Happy__Valentines_ in French. Adios mi Amor means _Goodbye__my__Love_ in Spanish. Hope I'm not wrong in anything. That's all.


	7. Chapter 6

It's been so long. Happy Christmas and New Year everybody. I'm not posting for this week again, or the next. I've got two papers to finish.

**Disclaimers:**I do not own TMoSH or any of its characters. Tanigawa-sensei does.

**Warnings:** Gore and stuff.

This is an extra story, spanning on the week before Valentines Day and on the exact Valentines Day. There are two parts: one would be the SOS Brigade story, while the next would be a Koizumi story, then a kid's diary entry. More explanations on the notes. Enjoooy~

**In the World of Dreams**

It was the day before Valentines.

Everyone was bustling inside the room, especially Taniguchi, who was still resentful because of my relationship with the eccentric-yet-beautiful and popular Suzumiya Haruhi. But he had no reason to get jealous at all; after all, he was "dating" a younger girl from Kouyouen High.

"But then Kyon, you'll get a big chocolate from Suzumiya-san tomorrow, right? Damn, how I wish my girlfriend also studies here, so that she can give me the chocolates like how Suzumiya-san would give hers!"

I just shrugged at Taniguchi's obvious resentment on the topic. Outside, the snow kept falling. Koizumi always hates the cold. I knew it since he insisted going to Okinawa last Christmas, back when we were still in second year.

"Kyon, what about the other guy that you used to date?" Kunikida started, his body already leaning towards his packed lunch, which was tamago bento. "Is there still no news about him?"

I shook my head, my mouth full of the melon bread that I was eating for my lunch.

"Ah, so after you broke up with him he disappeared? It's like he wanted to avoid you."

I nodded in approval; my face still scrunched-up from chewing the bread that was my lunch.

I don't want to remember Koizumi right now.

Not after his suicidal phone call last Christmas.

"Kyon! Come here for a second!"

A loud voice woke me up from my bread munching. With a hunch at who it was, I looked up and was not surprised to see Haruhi looming over my eating figure. Tomorrow would be Valentines Day. As I remember from my freshman year, Haruhi and the two girls had given us chocolates on Valentines Day. But it was not an easy task; she had first made us dig on Tsuruya-san's private land before we unearthed the deeply-buried chocolate cakes.

Seeing as it was Valentines Day tomorrow, I am very not looking forward for my Valentine tomorrow.

Especially since it's this girl that will be giving me the chocolate, or whatever it will be.

"What is it?" I said, as the munched-up bread went down on my throat. I grabbed my orange juice atop the desk before turning back to Haruhi again. "If you have anything to say, say it now."

"…You better not be absent tomorrow! I'm going to give you a chocolate! That's all."

And with a heated face, she stomped out the room. Taniguchi, Kunikida, and everyone else on the room just stared at the door for a whole five minutes before they went back to their usual charades. Naturally, Taniguchi would begin teasing me about it until the break ends. After class I went to the clubroom, which was being decorated by ridiculous pink hearts, with Asahina-san dressed up as a cute female cupid.

"Isn't Valentines tomorrow?" I asked; the disgust might be showing on my face.

Haruhi looked at me with eyes that clearly said shut up and help. So I have no other choice but to help her tape the hearts to the walls and the window, which was sprayed with a temporary paint saying "Happy Valentine's Day!"

At the end of the day the clubroom looked almost like a girl's room, full of fake hearts and pink stuff. I am not looking forward for tomorrow.

It was still an ordinary day for me at February 14. There were no girls squealing over me nor guys getting angry by some overflow of chocolates on my desk or locker. But upon arriving at the classroom I felt everyone's eyes rested upon me, which I had only comprehended a few seconds later.

Haruhi was beside a big pink package, with a big "KYON" written over it.

Damn, I can see Taniguchi smirking.

By the end of the day I went straight to the clubroom holding the Valentine that Haruhi had given me. Feeling wholly embarrassed I raced up the stairs until I reached the clubroom. Lucky for me that there are no other people inside the clubroom, except for the silent Nagato-san who was reading on the corner of the room.

Muttering a quick "hi," I almost sat at the chair before I heard Nagato-san's silent "Kyon" that made me sprang back up to my feet. Then I saw her shift in her seat and shuffle through her bag before coming before me and holding out her hand.

For a few seconds I just stared long at the big and bulky package, before turning back to Nagato-san.

"…Is this for me?"

She gave me a stare which creep me to the bones.

"Yes. It's a _giri_ choco."

Of course it is. "So, you gave everyone?"

"No. I haven't given Koizumi his share."

"**No**. What I mean is, Haruhi and Asahina-san."

"I already did, just a few moments ago. The two are out to buy some foods, Suzumiya Haruhi stated earlier."

Immediately after saying those words she walked back to her chair and continued reading the book she had been reading earlier. I sat down a collapsible chair. Asahina-san and Haruhi were nowhere to be found. Seeing that things are quite boring while I merely sit and do nothing, I looked at the present and rolled it on the tabletop. After a while I opened it, and what was inside was a big heart-shaped chocolate. Completely baffled by such a shape given by no less than Nagato-san, I tried to sort things out that it may be because it's _Valentines_ today and all, but there was no denying that the chocolate was really heart-shaped!

…In the end I decided to just forget about the matter on the chocolate.

**XxXxXxXxX**

Once upon a time, well until now in fact, there was and is a world of dreams. It is a wonderful place that manifests each and every person's desire into something tangible. But this depends on the person's acts. For example, if you've been good your whole life, you'd get all the things you've desired.

Even the toys my mommy and daddy can't afford? I can find it there?

Yes, yes, though one must do good before getting them all. But if you've been bad most of the time in your life, you'd get nothing but all the things you've despised and the things that other people also despised. They also spank bad people there until you wouldn't be able to sit anymore. But you cannot go as you willed to the world of dreams. There are requirements. One was that you must act accordingly. What it means is that you must do what is good for you and/or what is good for the others. Next is that you must never be a burden to anybody. You must act as you are supposed to be. If not, you'd fall into the trash pit in the world of dreams. This trash pit is the trash bin for all bad people. When they do things that trouble others they give themselves points for that pit. The higher the points are, the more likely the person would fall. Do you understand?

…But that is scary! Is there any way to know if I'm being bad or anything?

Ah, if it's that, there's still a way. You must see first yourself what you thinks makes other people happy. If you can make them happy, then you're doing well. But if you're not, you have to sacrifice your own happiness for them. That is what princes do in the stories to make the ending happy.

Now I know! Everyone's happy about me, so I think I'm doing well. But what about you, onii-chan? Are you just like me?

Ah, no. I cannot make anyone happy except you when I tell you stories. That is why I have to, do something else to make me end up in the wonderful world of dreams, where there is only happiness for everyone. It's a utopia, if you'd also like to know.

But you make everyone happy, onii-chan. I can see how the elderly couple next door dotes for you. You seem so perfect, like a prince! Prince onii-chan!

I am not a prince, young one. Haha, I'm talking formally now. Well, the adults' reactions are not just what you can see on their external characteristics. There are also emotions that manifest only inside everyone's head. For example, someone older and bigger bullies you out of your lunch. You wanted to tell someone about it, but you are afraid of what he might do to you after he knows of what you did. What do you express on the outside?

…Um, I'll just stare at him or anything, except act angry, because I'm scared.

But then, what do you feel in your chest?

I feel…angry. I hate him for taking my lunch.

Then, that is what I'm telling you just now. Adults have two emotions at the same time. They show only their external emotions because they're _scared_ of letting anyone inside their true selves. Now, do you understand?

Of course!

You're really smart! Anyway, there is something I'm going to give you. This small box holds your Valentine gift. But you must not open it till then. As soon as Valentines arrives, open it and read the contents. Follow the instructions I indicated and I will be happy. In that way I will give you some points for you to go to the wonderful world of dreams.

But what about you, Prince onii-chan? How about the happiness you need?

Oh, all the happiness that I would need is now resting in your hands. Once you've done what was said inside that box, my happiness would rise up, and I would go to the world of dreams. Until then, if it's still not February 14, never open it. Can you keep this promise that you wouldn't open it till then?

…Yes, Prince onii-chan.

Then, a pinky swear. If you broke our promise, a pit point will be added to yours. In that way I would also make sure that you'll be happy with that gift of mine. That would be essential for your life.

Ah, Prince onii-chan! There's something I want to give you on Valentines Day—

I cannot accept that gift, because at that day I must go to the world of dreams. I know; you wanted to come too, right? But I can't have you with me. It's just a one-person ticket that I have, so I cannot just snuck you in my luggage. But you don't need a luggage to the world of dreams, because everything you will need is already ready at the world of dreams.

I'm jealous, yet I still can't come, right? Then, maybe just give me a picture of the place and I'll be contented!

…Of course, I would give you one.

BUT NOW I CANNOT SIMPLY GIVE THEM TO YOU; I'M SO SORRY.

**XxXxXxXxX**

Prince onii-chan isn't opening the door. I have smelled something strong from his room, and I know he was still inside. I knocked many times, but the door wasn't opening. When I tried to listen for sounds, I only heard a moaning voice, and some deep breaths. There was nothing else. So after some time I got tired and decided to open the gift he gave me. At opening I saw it was something flat and blue, with gold characters at the bottom left corner saying some name I cannot read. But there was a letter beneath the flat and blue thing. Since Prince onii-chan had told me to read the letter, I did. The words were written in a scrawled Hiragana, with some water smudges left near the ink of the red pen, so most of the letter I cannot read. But what Prince onii-chan had said was to give the flat thing to my parents and ask them to burn the building down. That is for Prince onii-chan's happiness, right? So I also did that, running straight to my mommy who was talking with a bunch of onee-sans from the neighboring buildings. As soon as they saw me, they took turns pinching my cheeks until it hurt and turned red. But I am not angry because I know that I've made them happy. Just my presence alone made them smile like that. So after some more cheek-pinching I gave my mommy the flat thing and told her about the letter. As soon as I finished saying everything on the letter, her eyes grew wide like she had done when she saw a dead mouse on the floor. Then after a few seconds she asked me where I got it. When I told him Prince onii-chan gave it to me mommy immediately went to daddy's place together with some jijii-sans by the gate, including Mr. Landlord. As mommy told daddy her words were packed together in a form of a quick whisper. Within seconds Mr. Landlord had his keys on his hands, and with daddy and jijii-sans with them, they climb up to Prince onii-chan's room. Mommy and onee-sans held me with them at the bottom floor, their heads turned up to the balcony of the second floor. But Prince onii-chan might be getting ready for his travel to the world of dreams! Thinking about my promise to Prince onii-chan, I yanked myself from the grip of mommy and ran upstairs just as daddy and jijii-sans and Mr. Landlord were opening Prince onii-chan's room and ran in front of the door. But the door is already opened, and an awful smell reached our noses. Daddy was covering his nose and mouth with his one hand while his other hand quickly covered mine. Because of that I was forced to look inside Prince onii-chan's room.

The stove was smoking, and there was a thick fog lying above the air. There were also cans littering the floor, with red dots going everywhere, pooling especially to where a big knife was. Before my eyes were fully covered by daddy, I saw Prince onii-chan. He was lying, facing the ceiling, moaning and sweating, his hands lying limply by his sides. His head was turned to us, his eyes glassy and smiling; while his chapped and pale-colored lips were slightly open like he was trying to breathe. Around his head, medicine like those ones mommy and daddy took whenever they're sick littered around his head. As I squeaked from fright, Prince onii-chan's watery eyes turned to me, and at seeing me, his lips turned to a smiling one, and he laughed. He then reached out his left hand to me, dripping with thick, reddish liquid with one flesh-colored meat dangling from his skin, and spoke in a broken voice,

"Why aren't I still not in the world of dreams?"

Then his hands fell down as soon as his words stop, his eyes looking straight ahead towards some place that is not where we stand. A drop of water fell as his head fell lopsided on the floor, his eyes likewise. Daddy then shouted to jijii-sans and Mr. Landlord some things while he stood beside me and asked me if I'm okay. I just looked at Prince onii-chan who was being carried by jijii-sans and Mr. Landlord. As they passed by daddy and me I saw once again his eyes that were looking at some far place. I remembered Prince onii-chan's last words about the world of dreams, and also the promise I gave him. Was it because of me that Prince onii-chan wasn't in the world of dreams? Was it my fault that Prince onii-chan had to lose his chance to be in the world of dreams? Had I just taken all of his happiness away?

Daddy held on to me as I felt my eyes watering.

**To be continued…**

**Author****'****s****Notes:**This is a supplement chapter! After this is a hospital scene. Um, I don't know if Koizumi is dead or not! Well, this will just be an explanation of events.

About Taniguchi's girlfriend, please watch the TMoSH movie or read the Light Novels. I don't know if they already broke up or what but I'm using it anyway.

On the first part, it was the time when Nagato-san had given Kyon the chocolates that came from Koizumi. Koizumi had told her not to tell Kyon that it came from him, so she ended up saying that it's from her, right? Well, do you think I've done it right? I will be revising all of my stories because I know that they're lacking something. So if there's anything here, please tell me now.

On the second part, it was a discursion of Koizumi and Itsuki Satou (the name of the kid). It was in a succession order, with Koizumi as the first and last two speakers. Each paragraph is a character dialogue, and there are no more explanation of things since it's just in Koizumi's mind. In his mind, all happens in a white room, nowhere else.

On the third part, it was Itsuki Satou's view at the exact day of Valentines. We can say that he sort of likes his Prince onii-chan, but he still does not recognize it as purely romantic love.

So, the first and third part happened at the same time while the second part happened a week before Valentines Day. Any questions? Ask me.

Thank you for reading my stories so far. I'm also blogging, so feel free to check it out too. It is where I post my poems, stories, flash fictions, story reviews, anime reviews, manga reviews, game reviews, and some stuck-up everyday thoughts which don't seem logical at all.

My blog is .com. Thank you again for reading my work. And please, read this goddamn notes for those questions that can be answered by this alone. I get irritated by those people who don't really read. Like, why was it even here anyway? That's all.

Was it gory? The only thing I had time to write about was the POV of Itsuki Satou. It was fun, trying to write like an innocent child. I remembered Deadman Wonderland here; in the episode where Hibana Daida was cutting someone I can't remember that his skin is separated from his muscles cleanly. That is my inspiration, by the way.

Oh, thanks again. I'll be updating sooner **or**next year, so look forward to it!


	8. Chapter 7

And so I decided to write this again, mainly because I'm losing the plot already. Anyway, this will end in about two or three chapters, then I'll move on to my other stories. Forgive me if there're wrong spellings and such in this chapter; it took me five hours from ten in the evening until three in the morning just to cram everything I have in mind to finish this. And, I tried my best~ :3 Yeah, this is fairly short.

**Disclaimers:** I do not own anything.

**Warning: **I don't know? But as a whole, it's 18+ or what? I don't know. Just read if you approve of psychotic tendencies, yaoi (malexmale), het, self-mutilation, suicide, blah blah. Everything that makes a dark fiction.

**Crumbling Hopes**

Koizumi Itsuki was found a week after the weird Valentines celebration, where Nagato-san had 'supposedly' given me a huge and heart-shaped _giri _(obligatory) chocolate. It was after few months (or to be exact, seven months, two weeks, and three days) that we found him, all because Nagato-san finally told us that she had located him; she had, a fewer months prior in fact. Haruhi was actually angry after hearing that she kept this 'important discovery' from us. Nagato-san had apologized for this, and explained that it was Koizumi's wish to have this be kept from us. Of course we fully understand why Koizumi had done all the avoiding and eventually, cutting all ties with us, but what we can't understand or even empathize with is why he would go as far as to kill himself. That in itself is a stupid act; Haruhi was not the least bit happy that Koizumi had gone so far as to attempt to kill his self rather than talk it out with us. No one in the Brigade is actually happy at this turn of events. As far as we (that is I, Nagato-san and Asahina-san only) know, Koizumi had already ceased to be an able-ESPer after we broke up. It was only Mori-san and Arakawa-san who would tell us anything regarding the Closed Spaces that are appearing every day, since we found Koizumi, in an increasing rate. The reason probably was Haruhi seeing Koizumi in such a state, and she was angry, frustrated and guilty all at the same time. Koizumi was not in a good state to begin with. He was on coma, with multiple lacerations on his left wrist, head abrasions, and an overdose of multiple sleeping pills, above everything else. I had also not mentioned the obvious sunken cheeks and thinner arms due to lack of food intake, the dark circles under the eyes, and the sudden ageing of his handsome, young face.

To put it in a simpler way, he was in shambles.

We have talked to his landlord about what really happened. And of course, the landlord was fairly shocked knowing that Koizumi is only a senior high student, saying Izumi-kun (as Koizumi introduced himself to him and his neighbours) had made them believe that he was already in his third year in college. They did not dare ask any more about him, seeing his pain show on his face whenever they brought the subject up. And the appearance of Nagato-san posing as Koizumi's younger sister only made them believe in that story more.

The landlord literally slapped his forehead at Nagato-san's confession, saying he knew all along that there was no way Nagato-san and Koizumi are siblings. But before the landlord can ever tell us about what happened, a family of three appeared, with a young boy on the verge of tears carrying a crudely-stitched teddy bear.

That boy was Satou Itsuki-chan. He, as everyone present told us, was Koizumi's friend at his stay at the complex. It seems that Satou-chan goes to Koizumi's room sometimes to play, where Koizumi tells him stories about a fictional world named 'World of Dreams'. Haruhi, the ever-privy woman turned to the young boy to ask everything that Koizumi had ever told him.

"Onii-chan is kind, gentle, and rarely smiles. He was always alone in his empty room, eating nothing but sweets and cup noodles. At first I thought that he's scary at first, but I talked to him once and got along with him. He will play with me when Mommy and Daddy are busy, even if he looks tired and sleepy. And he gives me a lot of treats, so it was really fun."

Haruhi had now assumed a physical education sitting position, hugging her legs towards her while Satou-chan sat on the plastic hospital chair. The landlord and Satou-chan's parents are huddled together with us, listening intently to a story about the Koizumi we didn't know for the past seven months.

"Onii-chan had lots and lots of stories! One is about the pretty time traveller A-hina-san who came to this time to correct the time anomaly in this present time. Then there was this story about N-gato-san the bookish alien, who, for the sake of her kin's evolution, descended from the galaxies to gather information on us humans. There were also the adventures of S-zumiya-san the all-powerful but unaware god, who, knowing nothing about her ultra-powerful powers, created a brigade in search of entities that she, unintentionally, already have! I really liked the last story though, which is about a certain Kyobaka-kun who, even as a normal human, controls the world through the god itself…"

Wait, wait, WAIT; am I merely hearing things or are the stories referring to us? And, Kyobaka-kun? Is that supposed to be me! (Explanation: Kyon-kun + baka or _stupid_= Kyobaka-kun) I won't accept this!

"And of course let us not forget the World of Dreams! Onii-chan had told me only a few stories about them; that it was a world where everything you want will appear. Onii-chan had only talked about it on January, after he was discharged from the hospital after the accident on Christmas Day. Nii-chan told me that he was going to that place sooner, and that he was trying really, _really_ hard to get there. I can still remember that to get there, you must make sure that you make everyone around you happy because, if you don't, you'll fall instead. So he gave me this letter and this blue card a week before Valentines, as an early Valentines gift for me. Actually, this bear right here is my Valentines present for him. I made this in class!"

He fished out from his jacket pocket a letter and a credit card, which obviously belongs to Koizumi, before he showed Haruhi the teddy bear he said he made.

The letter was read first by Haruhi before she shoved it to my hands and excused herself, dragging Asahina-san away in the process. Our heads turned to the retreating forms of the two before actually reading the letter that was forced to me. As soon as my eyes fell on the first sentence, I was shocked.

"Give the rectangular card to your parents, they know what to do with it? And afterwards, burn the whole building down? What's this! This is obviously a-"

But I remembered that there was a kid hearing everything I'm saying, so I suppressed the last words in my throat, and simply gripped the paper in my hands.

There's no mistaking it, this is a suicide note.

Shit.

"Can I go visit Nii-chan now? I'm just giving this bear to him, I promise!"

I never replied back; instead, Nagato-san opened the door for them. I was kept glued on my spot after reading the letter. And of course Satou-chan never asked for it back, saying that we might need it for his 'Nii-chan's' speedy recovery. Actually, I'm not so sure anymore, not after this confirmation.

Koizumi really had the intention of killing himself.

When Haruhi came back Satou-chan and his parents, together with the landlord, had already gone home. The hospital Koizumi is admitted in allowed the four of us to stay at his room to watch over him, since no relatives of his came for a visit. And it was not like we knew who his parents were. And not even I, his former boyfriend, had any idea about his family's whereabouts.

The teddy bear that Satou-chan made for Koizumi was now sitting at the bedside table, as if acting as Koizumi's watchdog/bear. Meanwhile, it was my turn to keep watch at night, that if ever Koizumi wakes up, we can immediately alert the nurses in the nurses' station. Haruhi and the rest of the girls are huddled together in the futon that the landlord nicely lent us; and I, as the watchman of Koizumi for the night, is at the chair by his bed, looking at his face illuminated by the moonlight. His skin, due to the dark contrast of the stark black background and the pale illumination of the waning moon, was paler than usual; the shadows on his face growing deeper, as if it was already etched there like a non-erasable tattoo. Seeing him like this, with his pitiful appearance, made my heart cringe and I felt guilty once more.

My hands unconsciously went to his own, which the nearest was the left, where a bandage was hiding the scars and scabs he accumulated from his suicide attempt. A part of his skin and muscle had been sliced too, according to what the doctor and the landlord had said. It seems that in his frustration, and fazed self from all the pills he took, he sliced from the carpal to the cubital area, which eventually ended up having a part of his skin to peel off. My hand gripped Koizumi's slightly tighter from the thought.

…It was only after then that I noticed that his fingers were moving.

**To Be Continued**

**A/N:** Okay, cliffie! Yeah I'm so bad, ending it right here when it's already nearing its climax. I hope the lengthy descriptions did not bore you; I'm trying to sound explanative in here by giving emphasis on the narrator's (which for now was Kyon) thoughts, and dialogues from only two characters. Was it good? About the story's progress though, right now I still don't know if this will have a happy or tragic end (but it's going to the tragic end, right?). Yes, 'happy' is a broad idea; I used it because I don't know what type of happiness this should end with. I don't know with tragic; of course I'm comfortable with it already, but Koizumi had already been under tremendous sadness in this story. So, I don't know? Maybe don't expect anything? My writing's becoming much lighter these days; maybe it is this unknown feeling? Ah no, it's not as crappy as love; I'm actually depressed a whole lot on the start of the semester. Or, maybe a combination of both? I'm having unrequited love once again while being continuously dumped since the person I like as of now is of the same sex and is a **friend**.

Ok~ay, it turned awkward. Anyway, the usual review and read and review!


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